Just A Guy

Someone once said, ~You spend so much time wondering who are you, don't you think? You flounder about searching for your identity when most of the time it is as plain as the nose on your face. You struggle with questions of purpose and need and forget the answers are found mostly inside yourselves.~ If you think about it, it's difficult to figure out who you truly are as we're all searching for answers to our own identity and yet instead of getting answers we find ourselves asking more questions, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. You see, before love metaphorically takes your identity through the proverbial wringer causing it to be broken down to the point where it possibly fades away, you not only know who you are, but you also know the person you potentially want to become.

As said before, you start out knowing not only who you are, but also knowing the person you want to become when it comes to the matters of the heart. However, when you experience times of disappointment/heartbreak you'll seemingly go through an identity crisis in which there is gradual loss of self. For the qualities you initially thought to have made you a different/unique/original individual rather than a carbon copy of what the last guy/girl exuded are essentially crossed off one's internal list, so to speak, leaving you to stand in front of the mirror wondering who is this person staring back at you. It's a tough situation indeed to look at yourself in the mirror and try to see any glimpse of a person who looks at all familiar to you because the possibility of continually experiencing failure in relationships/love may very well lead to inevitably having your entire identity completely fade into obscurity.

Without a doubt, its difficult to establish a real good grasp of who you are when such things as frustration, anger, bitterness, resentment, disappointment, heartbreak,etc. from past potential and/or significant relationships eat away at you, in a manner of speaking, to where you're left asking those around/close to who they think you are placing yourself in a state of unwanted vulnerability. It would be safe to say we've all been in or are in a situation that while in the process of holding on to as much of our identity as we can those around/close to us have shown great concern for our well being whereby we respond with this particular lie...I'm just fine. Think about it, no matter how good you fool others into believing you’re well as can be, the only one you're not fooling is yourself because the truth of it is you don't want to admit/accept the one thing you know deep down inside you are....scared.

Let me ask you this question, has there been in the past or currently a guy/girl who has made you question who you are? Question in the sense of doubting the certain aspects of yourself that define who you are to where you contemplate changing both your integrity and moral character. As a guy, you can become so frustrated at the indecisiveness of what women are looking for that you want to throw away the identity that comfortably suits you and put on an identity that doesn't fit as well. In other words, setting aside the guy who is a gentleman, respectful, takes time to really listen, is there as a friend for a shoulder to cry on, etc. and becomes the guy who I know I will hate every time I look in the mirror. Let me tell you something, there have been plenty of times where I've wanted to cross that line, but to my better judgment I didn't and hopefully it will pay off later down the road...who knows.

In retrospect, for a person like myself who has been searching for answers for the better part of a decade as to my own identity, which has been at times put through the wringer because of past experiences that left me wondering who I am. It's within searching for those answers I essentially know the type of guys I'm not: the sweet talker, the ladies man, the tough guy, the flirt, the bad boy, the heartbreaker, and not even the nice guy. In the end, I'm just a guy who's trying his best to be himself and what has helped me to not completely lose who I am are the Yodasims I've written, which essentially have become a part of my identity, and as scared as I am to one day no longer feel the need to convey my thoughts I know I'll have a good reason as I meet a woman who'll give me the ability to finally see someone absolutely recognizable who at one point was thought to have faded away.