To Love or Not To Love

Ron Resnick once said, ~Tragedy by far speaks to the human condition more than the other arts, because we recognize the fatality of life from its outset. 'Birth' is tragedy, for birth ends in death. 'Love' is tragedy, for it ends in betrayal or, at best, in faint memories of what was.~ If you think about it, when it comes to our life it can oftentimes feel as if we're the main character living in a tragic Shakespearean play, especially when matters of the heart become involved. Drama such as inner turmoil, betrayal, disappointment, madness, defeat, victory, life, death, etc. are all intertwined in the one thing that is considered a trusted friend and yet at the same time a sworn enemy...love/true love. Whether it's emotional, physical, personal, mental, and/or spiritual there's always conflict within love that will inherently lead to a possible metaphorical death for you, a potential/significant other, or both.

Let me ask you this question, do you personally feel/think your own love life is considered an absolute tragedy? Essentially, love or true love for that matter can most definitely breathe life into your heart giving "birth" to happiness and contentment, but it can also in all intents and purposes cause your very own death by choking the life out of you, so to speak, leaving you covered in sadness and darkness. Its a sad situation indeed when a person looks back at bad past relationships in which one metaphorically experienced a painful death of sorts to the point where one is continually haunted by the acts of betrayal that were perpetrated by him or her. In somewhat the same context as Lady MacBeth, a person can try so hard to wash his/her hands, in a manner of speaking, of all the bad memories of past relationships that stain their mind, but it's still seen causing the gradual loss of their sanity.

Without a doubt, we've all read or at least tried to read Hamlet and it would be safe to say many of you are familiar with the scene where he makes the famous speech about Yorick all-the-while holding his skull. In some aspect, each one of us can be compared to Hamlet as we in a way hold in our hand our heart and reminisce about the person we once were, inevitably seeing the person who laughed and loved life to its fullest. However, that was before love treacherously disturbed the calm peacefulness slowly poisoning one's perception to become tainted after becoming unfortunate fatalities at the hands of once trusted former lovers now sworn enemies ultimately leading to gradually see it now as a bittersweet reality of misery whereby it served your heart a tragic demise met with by the sharp end of a dagger, which can be seen by the countless number of scars left behind.

For the question can be asked, do you consider yourself to be a tormented soul who is always expecting or should I say waiting to be stabbed in the heart by a guy/girl so much so you put yourself in a heightened state of paranoia whereby making the people close to you wary of your erratic, as well as, possibly dangerous behavior? Thinking about it, it's a fate worse than death to put yourself in a King Lear like situation where you would rather hurt those around you instead of experiencing the calming peace of love from someone who can ease the madness that's been torturing you personally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. What it comes down to is having this deluded mindset that every potential and/or significant other is going to betray you, which is foolish thinking. Let me tell you something, you have to let go of that mindset or you're going to end up pushing yourself deeper into an overwhelming sense of darkness/grief causing you to metaphorically and literally die.

In retrospect, there is one quintessential thing that connects every person no matter what their age, race, religion, etc. and that's experiencing the tragedy of utter heartbreak. You can't help but feel for people who have been tragically hurt either personally, physically, emotionally, and/or spiritually because you can truly see yourself as a kindred spirit in/with that person. You see, we're all thespians of the heart and even though we may not be as articulate or able to perform on the spot a dramatic soliloquy we try our best to beautifully reflect our feelings, as well as, emotions that are heartbreaking. In the end, we all come to a point where we come to a crossroads involving a guy/girl and no offense to William Shakespeare as I tweak his words in order to say that when when it comes to matters of the heart we find ourselves asking...~To love or not to love: that is the question.~

Turning Point

Someone once said, ~There are moments in our life where we find ourselves at a crossroads. Afraid, confused without a road map. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days. Of course, when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and not go back. But once in a while, people push on to something better. Something found behind the pain of going alone. And just beyond the bravery and courage it takes to let someone in or to give someone a second chance. Something beyond the quiet persistence of a dream, because it is only when you are tested that you truly discover who you are. And it is only when you're tested that you discover who you can be. The person you want to be does exist somewhere on the other side of hard work and faith and belief and beyond heartache and fear of what lies ahead.~

Let me ask you this question, have you personally experienced in the past a heartbreak so painful you not only haven't really gotten over it, but it also in a sense defined you to be the person you are now? For it defined you in a such a way it left a tremendous scar on your heart that never really healed and from that metaphorical scar you made a promise to yourself to never put yourself in the position of being so badly hurt you hold on to that pain simply as a sole reminder of how to not make the same mistake of putting your trust in someone who will end up just stabbing you in the back, in a manner of speaking. Essentially, it becomes an underlying catalyst in which both your perception of love/true love and overall personality completely changes, which can be seen/heard in your verbal communication, actions, attitude, and most definitely in the behavior being exuded.

As said before, there are people out there who have experienced a heartbreak so painful it left a big scar that never really healed, inevitably haunting them to where it changes how they think and act. It would be safe to say you know a person or are that person who has this cynical, realist attitude about love/true love in which he/she/you no longer feels with one's heart, but instead sees it as principles of do's, don'ts, rights, and wrongs. If you think about it, its those same people who find it difficult to show/accept affection causing them/you to behave in such an angry fashion you start distancing yourself from/pushing away people who genuinely care about you. Why? What It comes down to is a prideful, fearful mindset of not letting someone get so close you completely let your guard down because it is the one thing you can take control of that can't be taken away from you.

For the question can be asked, how many of you truly know how it feels to fly high because you were in love, falling in love, or something like it making your possible dreams of love/true love come to fruition? If you think about it, it's those same people who know the feeling of being high on cloud 9 also know the feeling of having their whole world fall apart around them leaving them in a perpetual nightmare that is relieved over again within not just their mind, but also heart as well. In a sense, its as if each post heartbreak of the heart brings you back to that specific situation in the past where you see yourself holding the broken pieces of your heart all-the-while experiencing those same emotions of fear, anger, confusion, resentment, failure, self-pity, the lack of self-confidence/acceptance, becoming lost within yourself, etc. that you tried so hard to block/forget from your memory banks.

In retrospect, when you experience an absolutely painful heartbreak in the past you go through a journey of self discovery within the pain and suffering. A journey in which you have to face issues harboring anger that you've never really confronted and/or avoided all together. You see, when it pertains to matters of the heart the person you've always wanted to feel like/be seen as is there, but it's hidden just under the surface behind the mask of a smile or laughter. It's just a matter of having the courage to completely let someone in and instead of being afraid by distancing yourself/pushing away that guy/girl who can take you beyond what love is to show you you're worthy and make you believe who you truly are is for real. In the end, when you deal with what has been holding you back, you'll reach a personally significant turning point that lets you finally move forward.

Can We Talk

Someone once said, ~Love is something that grows on you - it's not something that hits you in a flash when you first see a person. You have to find out what the person is really like, how they want to raise children (if they do), what their job or home goals are, what they seek in a mate. Take the time to find out what is beneath the exterior. Truly knowing someone is not a week long process.~ Without a doubt, one of the most important aspects of a relationship in which there is a growing love is communication. I think we can all agree that when you talk with someone for any length of time you gradually get a better understanding of who he or she is as a person. What it primarily comes down to is simply having open and honest conversations that range from everyday life to deeply personal matters of the heart.

Let me ask you this question, when was the last time you truly had a meaningful conversation with a guy or girl you were either interested in or were/are in a relationship with to the point where both of you personally, mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually became closer? You see, it's important these days for both men and women to have well-rounded conversations that are able to stimulate every part of your brain. Why? Essentially, it gives you the chance to show that person there's much more to you intellectually than what's on the surface or vice versa. It's a sad situation indeed when a couple who have been in a relationship that has lasted several years don't know each other because they didn't take the time to talk in depth about such things as their values, beliefs, ambitions, goals, hopes, dreams etc.

If you think about it, in order to establish a strong dialogue with a potential and/or significant other you have to move past the standard question that asks who, what, where, and when. What is your favorite song? Who is your biggest influence in your life? Where do you see yourself in 10 years? When do you want to get married? Unfortunately, the mistake that is oftentimes made is just stopping at these proverbial surface questions because in certain people's minds it's all he or she needs to know to have a good relationship, which is foolish thinking. Let me tell you something, whether you're a man or a woman if someone you love can give you the whys of the above-mentioned questions, plus many others, and not just know about them for trivia sake then it shows there is a deep connection in verbal communication between the two of you.

For the question can be asked to you ladies, has there ever been a past relationship where the guy talked with you instead of to you about issues that meant something important? What do I mean? Well, when he talked with you did he make you feel comfortable within yourself to talk to him back about your thoughts, feelings, ideas, and opinions that plague your mind, so to speak, without fearing that he is not going to take it seriously or give feedback that cuts you down. You see, one of the things I've learned is that women want a guy who can be emotionally rather than mentally connected when having a heart to heart talk about such things as marriage, raising kids, doubts/insecurities within the relationship, the path of the relationship itself, etc. giving her that assurance he's always going to be open to talk with you instead of being closed off, which many guys tend to be at times.

In retrospect, communication is one of the most helpful keys in any relationship and women, more than anything, know the value of why it's important in communicating verbally with a guy and having what she's been saying have absolute merit. The same can also be said for us guys as well because it's hard for us to open up and talk to you women. It's just one of those things that we aren't good at because the minute we open our mouth to say something we get ourselves into trouble leading us to remove the foot we've lodged into it all-the-while apologizing as we try to get back in your good graces. In the end, a growing relationship built on love/respect thrives when you spend quality time communicating with each other no matter where you are or how busy you are and it all begins with just saying/asking these three words...can we talk?

In Good Hands

Josh McDowell once said, ~How do you spell love?...When you reach the point where the happiness, security, and development of another person is as much of a driving force to you as your own happiness, security, and development, then you have a mature love. True love is spelled G-I-V-E. It is not based on what you can get, but rooted in what you can give to the other person.~ Let me ask you this question, what is the one thing every person wants to be given in a relationship from that someone special other than trust, honesty, openness, commitment, and communication? Essentially, that one thing each one of us want to be given is security. For its that sense of security in which you put your absolute assurance in him or her to protect you in three ways: emotionally, mentally, and physically.

A woman, more than anything, most definitely wants to have that emotional security from a guy who can make her feel safe within herself. Safe in the sense that he is able to gently handle the seemingly fragile emotions kept within her heart. Yet, it's a sad situation indeed when the safety of her emotions is jeopardized because the guy couldn't be there for her emotionally when she really needs him to be there the most leaving her in a state of vulnerability. However, its within emotional security a woman feels comfortable enough to be openly honest about herself to where she reveals/shares her innermost feelings that scare her inevitably putting trust in him to not only keep the info on the down low, but also accepting the fact she is after all a human being with faults like everybody else.

Without a doubt, what every woman wants from a guy is that underlying security when it pertains to her own thoughts. Thoughts that if not safely secured can lead her to believe she isn't smart, beautiful, etc. to the point where she truly thinks of herself as a loser. For some, most, or all women they've unfortunately experienced situations in the past where guys handled their thoughts concerning their own insecurities that metaphorically beat her down with angry negativity, which makes matters even worse. What it basically comes down to is the choice of words being used and for a woman having a guy who is able to mentally build her up in a positive way rather than negatively tearing her down through harsh criticism gives her the opportunity to freely express her thoughts/ideas/opinions without fear of being ridiculed.

For the question can be asked, how many of you women want to be given that sense of security when it involves a physical relationship? It would be safe to say that every woman wants to feel safe with a guy as he intimately gets to know her in such a way that she is able to communicate her likes/dislikes all-the-while showing her that she is appreciated as a beautiful woman and is not seen as just a piece of meat who he wants to be with in order to in all intensive purposes get in, get out, and move on. Let me tell you something ladies, if you have a guy who takes his time, works with you instead of against you, and doesn't overstep your personal boundaries to where you're never left with a lingering false sense of security whenever you're around him then he's most definitely a keeper.

In retrospect, every woman wants stability in her life as they want to be secure in the fact that they'll be protected in the long haul emotionally, mentally, and physically. They also want to be given that same security financially and spiritually as well. In some aspect, its like having an excellent insurance plan that covers all her bases, so to speak, when something bad happens that threatens their well being. Thinking about it, women want a guy that is like an excellent insurance plan as he's able to ensure that she will always be covered whenever she possibly suffers emotional, mental, physical, financial, and spiritual heartache. In the end, to any woman who has a guy that doesn't rob them of their security and takes excellent care of their heart then all I can say to them is you're in good hands.

Tough Love

Marquise De Sevigne once said, ~We cannot destroy kindred: our chains stretch a little sometimes, but they never break.~ Let me ask you this question, how strong are the links in your family chain? I think we would all agree that there will be times where situations arise in which the strength of the family chain is tested. Tested in the sense of having your mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual state of being stretched all at once far beyond its capacity to the point where it possibly breaks because of one particular link in the chain that has become weak over time. For it’s a weak link in which matters of the heart are involved, especially when it pertains to female teenage members of the family who become interested in the opposite sex or vice versa.

Let me ask you this question for you guys out there, how many of you are considered a strong link as either an older brother, father figure, or father to certain females both in your family, as well as, in your extended family? You see, as a guy we're obligated to be very protective of the female members of the family/extended family no matter how old they are from guys out there who they should never be near, close to, or around them...at all. Why? Essentially, for many of us who are in our late 20's to early 30's we know what these young boys are thinking and what their basic mindset is because we were they're age with the same thought process, but the big difference is we we're a different generation that not only respected the ladies, we also showed it as well.

Without a doubt, it can be a frustrating situation indeed to not always be around to try to keep a close eye on what type of guys are hanging around your daughter, sister, female friends who are considered a sister, or cousins. Ladies, you gotta see it from our perspective and that is no guy will ever be right, be around, or ever come in contact with them, but unfortunately they somehow do cause us great personal stress to the point of becoming angry for purely valid reasons. Let me tell you something, nothing makes us agitated and puts stress on the family chain more when we see a guy who we don't know have his arm around our daughter, sister, family female friend, cousin, etc. and in our mind we're thinking take your arm off her or I'll break if off.

Thinking about it, you can't always control/direct matters of the heart your way when it involves teenagers in your immediate or extended family. Of course, we joke about them not dating or getting married till their 45, but there comes a point where "The Talk" comes into play and you have to throw down the proverbial hammer to get the message through into their subconscious/conscious mind the seriousness of a scary reality, but not too hard to where they completely tune you out. Trust me when I see it's important for all guys to keep the link with them strong as you sit down to discuss...not argue/demand...with your young daughter(s), sister(s), close female family friend(s), or cousin(s) to be careful with boys these days because they have only one thing in mind and its not sitting down with girls and talking about their feelings.

Paul Pearshall said, ~Our most basic instinct is not for survival but for family. Most of us would give our own life for the survival of a family member, yet we lead our daily life too often as if we take our family for granted.~ In retrospect, whether you're a dad, older brother, older brother/father figure, you have to fervently pray to God to ask Him to help them make the right decision and not become so hated that you push them to make the wrong ones leading them down a path they may never be able to come back from. What it comes down to is not making the mistake of overreacting to certain situations causing the strong link to become weak or you'll find yourself being the so-called "bad guy". In the end, we do the things we do because we love/care about them and it's that type of tough love where we simply say don't be stupid...be smart.